More than two thousand years ago, Cicero wrote, “With the exception of wisdom, I’m inclined to believe that the immortal gods have given nothing better to humanity than friendship.” It’s difficult to disagree with this sentiment. Few things nourish the soul as much as a loving and loyal friend - yet, true friendship can be hard to find.
I began thinking about this after reading an essay by
, in which she shared a poignant story about the nature of friends and what to do when they break your heart. It reminded me of all the times I, too, have experienced heartache at the hands of someone I believed to be a good friend.I lost most of my friends in the aftermath of my riding accident, I suspect because my injuries made them contemplate their own mortality. That and, well, many of those ladies didn’t want to be friends with someone who could no longer read or drive. (I have since reacquired those skills.)
The pandemic also provided opportunities to discern the nature of relationships in my life. As someone who always offers to cook a meal for friends who are sick, and who remembers to check in with them as they recover, I went into the pandemic thinking they would be the same. Most were not.
Epictetus once observed, “In prosperity, it is very easy to find a friend; but in adversity, it is the most difficult of all things.” I have found this to be true.
And yet hardship, while challenging, has the power to reveal the beauty of friendships that endure. It teaches us that friendship is a treasure worth seeking — that the pursuit of it is an act of bravery and hope.
Every time we open our hearts to another, we create the possibility of forming a bond that could bring joy into our lives. But we also become vulnerable, knowing that most new connections will not become lasting relationships. This is why friendship is an act of courage. We have to risk a piece of ourselves.
Finding kindred spirits takes time and patience. And when we encounter people who might become companions, how do we navigate that evolution?
Over the years, I've found that three guiding principles have helped me cultivate and sustain meaningful connections:
Stop expecting you from other people.
Accept that friends aren’t always forever.
Keep an open heart.
Stop Expecting You From Other People
This one is especially difficult if you’re a giver because most people in our society are takers. People will always be willing to take what you have to offer - your time, your support, a listening ear - but few will give back in equal measure (or at all).
If you’re the kind of person who always remembers birthdays, it’s understandable to hope for the same in return - and to feel hurt when your thoughtfulness isn’t reciprocated.
If you’re the sort of person who shows up when a friend is lonely, it’s not surprising to expect them to do the same for you - and to feel wounded when they pursue their own pleasures instead.
But I have found that expectation is a recipe for discontent. And while not everyone will mirror the kindness you offer, the act of giving itself enriches your life, attracting those who will value and reciprocate your generosity.
For much of my 20s and 30s, I expected people to do certain things because that is what I would have done. Then I realized, they were not me. And perhaps it wasn’t fair to judge their actions because they were different from what I would have chosen to do.
Instead, I’ve learned - and am still learning - to step back and see people for who they actually are. This is an act of noticing and then reflecting. To me, this is crucial. Because while I strive not to foist expectations upon others, I also know and respect myself enough to hold boundaries. I know how I deserve to be treated and won’t accept anything less. Disrespectful, unkind, and toxic behaviors are dealbreakers.
This act of noticing is ongoing in the early stages of a new friendship, and as I gather information, I ask myself: do I want to continue investing energy in this relationship?
One of my favorite Stoic philosophers, Seneca, observed: “Before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment…Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship.”
You only have so many years on this planet, and you only have so much energy. Remember that the people and situations you give your time and energy to will define your existence — so choose wisely. And never overlook concerning behaviors in the vain hope that you will help someone change.
Understand deeply that your time and energy are your most valuable resources. More than this, time is the only currency you spend without ever knowing your balance. Invest in people who feed your soul, trust that you are worthy of genuine friendship, and have the confidence to walk away if needed.