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More than two thousand years ago, Cicero wrote, “With the exception of wisdom, I’m inclined to believe that the immortal gods have given nothing better to humanity than friendship.” It’s difficult to disagree with this sentiment. Few things nourish the soul as much as a loving and loyal friend - yet, true friendship can be hard to find.
I began thinking about this after reading an essay by
, in which she shared a poignant story about the nature of friends and what to do when they break your heart. It reminded me of all the times I, too, have experienced heartache at the hands of someone I believed to be a good friend.I lost most of my friends in the aftermath of my riding accident, I suspect because my injuries made them contemplate their own mortality. That and, well, many of those ladies didn’t want to be friends with someone who could no longer read or drive. (I have since reacquired those skills.)
The pandemic also provided opportunities to discern the nature of relationships in my life. As someone who always offers to cook a meal for friends who are sick, and who remembers to check in with them as they recover, I went into the pandemic thinking they would be the same. Most were not.
Epictetus once observed, “In prosperity, it is very easy to find a friend; but in adversity, it is the most difficult of all things.” I have found this to be true.
And yet hardship, while challenging, has the power to reveal the beauty of friendships that endure. It teaches us that friendship is a treasure worth seeking — that the pursuit of it is an act of bravery and hope.
Every time we open our hearts to another, we create the possibility of forming a bond that could bring joy into our lives. But we also become vulnerable, knowing that most new connections will not become lasting relationships. This is why friendship is an act of courage. We have to risk a piece of ourselves.
Finding kindred spirits takes time and patience. And when we encounter people who might become companions, how do we navigate that evolution?
Over the years, I've found that three guiding principles have helped me cultivate and sustain meaningful connections:
Stop expecting you from other people.
Accept that friends aren’t always forever.
Keep an open heart.
Stop Expecting You From Other People
This one is especially difficult if you’re a giver because most people in our society are takers. People will always be willing to take what you have to offer - your time, your support, a listening ear - but few will give back in equal measure (or at all).
If you’re the kind of person who always remembers birthdays, it’s understandable to hope for the same in return - and to feel hurt when your thoughtfulness isn’t reciprocated.
If you’re the sort of person who shows up when a friend is lonely, it’s not surprising to expect them to do the same for you - and to feel wounded when they pursue their own pleasures instead.
But I have found that expectation is a recipe for discontent. And while not everyone will mirror the kindness you offer, the act of giving itself enriches your life, attracting those who will value and reciprocate your generosity.
For much of my 20s and 30s, I expected people to do certain things because that is what I would have done. Then I realized, they were not me. And perhaps it wasn’t fair to judge their actions because they were different from what I would have chosen to do.
Instead, I’ve learned - and am still learning - to step back and see people for who they actually are. This is an act of noticing and then reflecting. To me, this is crucial. Because while I strive not to foist expectations upon others, I also know and respect myself enough to hold boundaries. I know how I deserve to be treated and won’t accept anything less. Disrespectful, unkind, and toxic behaviors are dealbreakers.
This act of noticing is ongoing in the early stages of a new friendship, and as I gather information, I ask myself: do I want to continue investing energy in this relationship?
One of my favorite Stoic philosophers, Seneca, observed: “Before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment…Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship.”
You only have so many years on this planet, and you only have so much energy. Remember that the people and situations you give your time and energy to will define your existence — so choose wisely. And never overlook concerning behaviors in the vain hope that you will help someone change.
Understand deeply that your time and energy are your most valuable resources. More than this, time is the only currency you spend without ever knowing your balance. Invest in people who feed your soul, trust that you are worthy of genuine friendship, and have the confidence to walk away if needed.
Accept That Friends Aren’t Always Forever
My husband has a good friend he has known since the sixth grade - a man who is my son’s uncle in every way that matters. Their friendship is the kind that withstands the tests of time, distance, and silence. They may go long stretches without speaking, but when they do reconnect, it’s as if no time has passed at all.
As for myself, I have two friends who have walked beside me for more than a decade. We’ve shared the challenges of raising children and growing older, as well as the simple joys of a walk in the sunshine or good conversation shared over a satisfying meal. Though life often keeps us apart, I cherish them for their honesty, empathy, and kindness.
For most friendships, however, I’ve learned that people come and go. When I was younger, this used to trouble me. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to see the ebb and flow of friendships not as a source of sadness, but as an opportunity for growth. Each person who enters our lives leaves a unique mark, teaching us new lessons and broadening our perspectives.
Many of our difficulties in relationships stem from labeling and clinging. When we label someone a “friend” and start imagining all the things we’ll do together in the years to come, we create expectations that can make it hard to let go if the time comes. But circumstances change, people change, and it is only natural that some friendships will fade. This is not a failure on your part.
While it's understandable to feel sorrow when a friendship ends, be mindful of your thoughts and notice if you are mourning what actually was, or what you wanted to be. Often, these are different things. It's also a chance to celebrate the resilience we develop through these experiences.
Whatever comes, let it come. Whatever stays, let it stay. Whatever goes, let it go. Embrace the flow of life with an open heart, knowing that each chapter brings new opportunities for connection, love, and growth. Trust that the friendships meant to stay will, and those that leave make room for new, enriching relationships.
Keep An Open Heart
In my opinion, the most genuine way to participate in a friendship is to be fully present — and to have an open heart. Too often we close ourselves off to the world because we have been hurt in the past and are afraid of experiencing that pain again. But this is where courage comes in.
After my riding accident, in addition to healing from my physical injuries, I was deeply wounded by the friends who shunned me. But those who stayed became cherished companions, showing me the true meaning of camaraderie.
And though some friendships faded during the pandemic, this time also illuminated the bonds that were truly unbreakable. It was a season of clarity, revealing the friends who would walk with me through life’s most challenging times.
I believe that the value of friendship isn’t measured by the number of people in our lives, but by the depth of connection we share with them. Just one or two true companions can fill our lives with richness and meaning.
Seneca would agree. Though he advised careful observation during the early stages of a new relationship, he also believed we should fully trust people once they have been admitted to our confidence:
“If you consider any man a friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means… When friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment…Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul.”
Throughout life, we will experience many different kinds of friendships. There will be friends we see only at work or while engaging in shared hobbies. There will be people we love spending time with for the quality of the conversation, reveling in the magic of two minds exploring ideas and exchanging banter together.
And then, on rare occasions, we’ll meet someone who understands us so deeply that we know this friendship will last a lifetime. No matter how often we speak, no matter how old we grow, no matter where life takes us.
These are the kinds of friendships that English novelist Dinah Craik described when she said, “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness throw the rest away.”
Perhaps you met this person when you were thirteen, or forty, or perhaps you have yet to cross paths with them. It happens at different times for different people, and it is never too late. But when it does happen, your heart has to be open to recognize them.
So no matter what life throws at you, have faith in your resilience and worthiness. Hold your boundaries, yet remain curious and open to new affinities. Life is full of unexpected blessings, and the most meaningful connections often come when we least expect them.
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I love how you sprinkle philosophy in your posts :)
When we face adversity in life , it shows us who really loves and cares for us. How friends treated me after my marriage ended was a real eye opener and I can actually laugh about how they were worried that their husbands would be interested in me. Men who I never looked at in isolation, just saw as an appendage to the friend. My years long good friends alway are the best and laughed along with me. ( we are Irish , we have a very dark humor) it crystallized relationships for me which is always beneficial.