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I’m on a quest for a new friend.
It’s not that I don’t have friends. I do.
But as I grow older and my son begins to venture into early adulthood, I find myself with more time than I’ve had in years. And I’m keenly aware of how important it is to build connections for healthy aging.
So, for the past year or so, I’ve been searching — no small feat for an introvert who relishes solitude and prefers to spend her days puttering in the kitchen or typing on the computer.
Some folks seem to make friends effortlessly. They pull people into their gravitational orbit, striking up conversations and forming new connections wherever they go. But me, I have to make an effort.
I’m not the only one looking. In 2023 the Surgeon General called loneliness a public health epidemic, and in 2024 a study found that 30% of US adults say they have experienced loneliness over the past week.
I’m not lonely though. I enjoy solitude. If it weren’t for driving my son places, or volunteer work, I could go days (weeks?) without leaving the house. Everything I need is here. I work from home. Chat with my husband and talk to my dogs. I travel to new places in novels. Overall, I’m satisfied.
And yet, I know that I have to widen my circle. As we age, the strength of our friend groups can help compensate for the diminishing strength of our bodies. Regular social interaction has been shown to slow cognitive decline, and spending time with friends releases hormones like dopamine, which improve our mood and reduce stress, helping us navigate life with greater resilience.
During my death doula training, an entire section of our course focused on the importance of community for a long healthspan, which is how many healthy years you have in your life. That is the real measure we should consider instead of lifespan, which is how long you are alive. We need people of all ages around us, and this give-and-take between friends adds meaning, health, and security.
So, how is my search going? It’s going well, I think. I’ve made new acquaintances, and just recently, I think I found someone who I’d like to welcome into my inner circle. She’s a fellow death worker and I appreciate her quiet calmness, thoughtfulness, and open-mindedness. We’ll see how things develop. Making friends can be a bit like dating — there is this delicate dance of gauging interest, building trust, and deepening a relationship over time. I don’t want to come on too strong, but I like her.
Making friends in mid-life is also completely different than when we’re younger. We don’t have the convenience of shared high school or college classes, much less a “club fair” like my son’s high school just had. What I wouldn’t give for one of those — a day when interest groups come together, organized at tables with handy fliers, and ask you to join them.
Instead, in mid-life we have spouses and children and jobs, all of which take up time and are, understandably, priorities. We can emerge from the other side of child-rearing a little disoriented, wondering, well, what now? I’m not even there yet, but I can see my son’s adulthood approaching and I wonder what I’ll do with myself when it arrives.
So, for what it’s worth, I thought I’d share some of the things that have been working for me as I make my way in the world and seek out new friendships.
Or, a la Baz Luhrmann, I’ll dispense advice that “has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.”
1. It Starts With Self Love
Self-love and self-acceptance are the most significant things we can do for ourselves. They are also essential components of meaningful relationships because we can never love someone more than we love ourselves.
When you are comfortable with who you are, it’s easier to see other people and the world with clear eyes. You no longer feel compelled to fit into boxes that don’t suit you, and friendships become less about seeking approval and more about mutual respect and joy.
So, I would argue that any quest for friendship begins with taking a look at ourselves.
Many of us are harsh and judgemental with ourselves. Have you ever taken a step back and listened to your inner monologue? I’d wager that, more often than not, we wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who talked to us the way we talk to ourselves.
Instead of getting lost in negative thoughts, talk to yourself as you would to your younger, more innocent self. That little girl or boy who hadn’t experienced so much of the world and who approached life with open-eyed curiosity. Would you talk to that version of you the way you talk to yourself now?
Be who you needed when you were younger and show yourself the same grace you give to a child.
The more we love ourselves, the more we can show up fully in our relationships —open, authentic, and ready to embrace connection. Moreover, we create an emotional safety net within ourselves, making us more resilient to rejection and less dependent on external validation.
2. Discover What’s Meaningful to You
What fills your cup? Take the time to discover what activities bring you joy, because that is an excellent place to begin looking for friends. You’re more likely to connect with someone when you have at least one shared interest.
For me, that means joining a book club that meets at my local library, volunteering, and taking art classes. I’ve learned how to do metal working, make enamel pendants, and create stained glass decor. Along the way, I’ve met many people and have connected with some of them.
Another benefit of getting involved in groups you’re genuinely interested in is that your focus can be on enjoying the given activity. You may or may not meet people you mesh with, but that becomes secondary, which relieves some of the pressure.
3. Leave Your House
I know this is going to be a blow for my fellow introverts but, you have to leave your house if you want to meet new people and make friends. You can do it!
4. Hold Out For Quality
In my mind, friendship is about belonging, not fitting in.
When you are trying to “fit in” you pretend to be someone you are not or hide some of who you are. When you “belong” you can be your authentic self and are accepted without expectations.
These kinds of relationships are harder to come by, but they do exist. As I wrote in my essay, Friendship is an Act of Courage, it’s important to observe people as they come into your life and you’re considering whether they might be someone you want to form an attachment to.
“When friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment,” Seneca wrote. “Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul.”
It’s tempting to simply accept the first person who shows interest. Especially for us mid-lifers who have been off the “friend market” for a while. It feels good when someone wants to spend time with us. But I think it’s important to step back and ask yourself if an individual belongs in your circle of trust.
Some things I notice:
Do they gossip about other people? (Those who gossip to you, will gossip about you.)
Do they have genuine passions?
Are they kind to the waiter at a restaurant?
How do they respond to differences of opinion?
Is this the kind of person who would be there for someone in a pinch?
5. Don’t Expect Perfection
We dismiss others too quickly these days. I often see people immediately “blocking” someone because they didn’t see eye-to-eye on something, or because they felt uncomfortable for a moment.
While we should hold boundaries — and while it is certainly ok to “block” someone if it’s truly needed — we should also cultivate the ability to be around people who don’t agree with us about everything.
This is where self-knowing comes in. When you are confident in who you are, you can be open-minded and not feel threatened when another person has a different worldview.
Never expect perfection from other people. No one will live up to this standard. (Including you.) Instead of judging others, do as Marcus Aurelius suggested:
“Whenever you take offense at someone’s wrongdoing, immediately turn to your own similar failings, such as seeing money as good, or pleasure, or a little fame —whatever form it takes. By thinking on this, you’ll quickly forget your anger, considering also what compels them — for what else could they do?”
In other words, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
6. Take Risks, But Don’t Get Attached to Outcomes
If you are looking for new friends odds are you’re going to have to take some risks. This could mean going to a class or joining a new group solo. It could mean taking the initiative by inviting someone you don’t know to lunch. Take those risks, and don’t give too much weight to what happens.
For instance, I've invited several people to brunch — some never responded, others turned me down, and other invitations led to pleasant, if fleeting, conversations. But the last get-together was so enjoyable we immediately went for a two-hour walk. (This is the potential new friend I mentioned earlier.)
We often create unnecessary stress for ourselves. What if I don’t meet anyone? What if I invite them out and they say no?
To this I say: so what?
In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter if a group flopped. And if someone rebuffs your attempt at making friends, they weren’t an ideal fit anyway.
If you won’t think about something in five years, don’t give it more than five seconds of your attention. And remember that nothing ventured is nothing gained.
7. Be Interested To Be Interesting
In American society we have too much self-interest and not enough interest in others.
I get it: we’re all busy and pulled in too many directions. Many of us have also been surrounded by “takers” our entire lives, and are at the point where our toxic cultural milieu can make us feel numb.
As someone who is an introvert and used to be something of a misanthrope, I understand the urge to draw into yourself and protect your personal space.
But becoming a death doula changed that for me because it made me appreciate our shared mortality and humanity. It made me see every person I meet as a being with dreams, loves, regrets, and so many stories to tell. No matter where we come from, we have a lot in common. And we’ll all meet the same end.
As soon as I started leaning in, everything changed. In a class or group, when people realize I’m interested in who they are they light up, eager to share memories and stories. And by being curious about them, it became easier to have conversations. (If I really can’t find something to talk about, then I fall back on food history.)
Have you ever talked with someone who is giving you their full attention? Did it make you feel seen, heard, and acknowledged? It was kind of addictive, wasn’t it?
If you want to make friends, become interested in who other people are.
8. Be Generous (But Don’t Get Taken Advantage Of)
It’s important to show up for others. This can mean something as simple as remembering their birthday, or texting when you haven’t heard from them in a while. Or it could mean cooking a hot meal when they’re sick. In many ways, we have lost the communal aspect of humanity, yet it’s woven into the fabric of our being.
At the same time, it’s important to recognize that modern society often promotes narcissistic behavior. While we shouldn’t begrudge folks living their lives in the manner they see fit, it’s also crucial to consider the kind of person you want to become part of your life. After all, the people you choose to spend time with will help you write your life story.
Therefore be generous with your friends, but also choose them wisely.
9. Give Others Room to Grow
Most of us grow and change over time, so it is reasonable to assume our friends will do the same. Let us give them the same room to grow that we would ask for ourselves.
Author Heidi Priebe wrote about this beautifully, observing: “To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into… But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honor what emerges along the way.”
As my quest continues, I’m eager to see how the journey unfolds. Friendships are living things, constantly evolving and requiring care, so who knows what life might look like a year from now? Let us be patient with the process, be kind to ourselves, and stay open to the new people who may join us along the way.
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Being an introvert means that I'm quite happy living alone with my cats. That allows me to be selective about who I spend time with.
As I've grown older, I've become secure in who I am, and in the belief that I deserve respect. So I seek out people who see, and respect, the person that I am, not the person they think I am or they want me to be.
The people I'm closest to aren't geographically close, so we keep in touch by phone, text, and Zoom. When I'm in the mood for in-person company, I belong to several local craft groups. I joined them when I was first figuring out how to interact with live humans and make new friends, on the premise that I was sure to have something to talk about.
Anyway, you've given me a lot to think about here, and I wish you well in your own journey.
Good luck, Christina! I can also stay in my house - happily - for days. But for many reasons I’ve decided to take myself on a new adventure once a month: it was mushroom foraging in September, a watercolour class in October. I didn’t make any new friends, but had fun new experiences. 😊